Flight

I understand everyone goes through stress. As I ramble on in my next post, know that in many ways I am very lucky and there are far worse situations I can be in. I have my health, I have a purpose in my career, I have a husband that comforts me when I feel defeated and quickly reminds me to 'walk it off'. He says that because my that's my dad's saying, and he reminds me to be proud of who Ive become. It was how I was raised. Brush yourself off and take care of what you need to do. Be bigger than a defeat.

First time I remembered hearing my dad say it, I had fallen off my bike when he was teaching me to ride without training wheels. It was not cold hearted in the least, he knew I was alright but he also knew without a coach i would just go home, and pout. In that moment, I never wanted to see a bike again. Just hearing 'walk it off' made me try again that afternoon. On the basketball court at school. Where I ran right into the pole. Walk it off.

Needless to say, I learned to ride the bike pretty fast after that. I had a job as a papergirl for a year with my new found skills, must have been around 9. Working for what I had was a daily lesson, and my dad, I am sure, was damn proud of me when I landed the gig. I did get let go in a massive layoff. 5 kids were replaced with a delivery truck. We were told in a letter on the stack of newspapers, our last run. But I walked it off.

I am a fighter still but its just now, at age 29, that I understand it's more than just getting over tough situations, its a tool for survival. No self defined victim is ever happy or healthy. No victim ever survives when there is just a small chance to do so. That lesson came as an adult, when I watch others struggle to live or to recover.

I have been tested in the last few weeks.

When I train at Crossfit, its so much more than just getting physically stronger. My coaches naturally tap into my need to be told to walk it off, and I am mental powerhouse because of it. I get it done.

I haven't always been so determined. My terrible habit of fleeing from discomfort put my life on pause for years. I would avoid, procrastinate and sabotage my body, my checkbook and my spirit. In my last few weeks of clarity and milestones, this is the lesson I take with me: never again.

I am over half way into my 90 day no drinking, no carbs, no sugar, no dairy challenge. Even with work, family and life stress, I have refused to fall and eat crap. I am the best of myself. That is the most unexpected side effect so far, besides the fact I HAVE HAD NO ALLERGIES THIS YEAR! God, I can't get over that.

My weight loss stalled for about two weeks, and just when I was really starting to question myself and I was going to write my coach for advice, I started losing again. Down two more pounds and an unknown amount of inches! I wore the famous 'had it since college, only can wear when Im skinny' jacket again today. Its way too big now. My new curves are loss behind a once super snug, in the back on the closet, 'one day' article of clothing.

Another small thing that has helped me through daily challenges, is of course my mini-victories at Crossfit. I get tons of encouragement. Lots of 'walk it off' types of sayings.

One at a time.

Get back up.

Pull hard.

UP UP UP.

But I got an extra cool one yesterday. When sprinting, putting probably too much effort into the first round, one of my coaches SCREAMED as I was coming down hill 'LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE FLYING!' That has carried with me since. I fly.

Wonder what I will do tomorrow morning with my 8am crew?

continue to surprise myself.

Strength

"If I can make it through that painful workout, I sure as hell can survive daily challenges"... I mentioned to my friend Eva, a fellow Crossfit, last Wednesday. Within the hour, I had a totally mental breakdown. Energized with the feeling I could accomplish anything, I tackled a situation I was really uncomfortable with, and it totally completely backfired. Then I felt powerless to help. And then I just felt useless.

Took me a good day to bring some of my energy back from the depths of self-pity land. I wasnt sleeping very well because of stress so I never really recovered from my workouts. I walked like how I felt, like someone beat the crap out of me.

Good news?

It all goes on and on. Life cycles, moods change, you get over it. I worked out hard this week, rode my bike, and stayed on course. I did not want my reaction to stress to be unhealthy one, but one that would prove I am getting strong in all aspects of my life. That my discipline is solid. That all this turning down chocolate truffles and whiskey has a purpose. That life is bigger than just one day, and I want to have a good old time on this planet.

That means training to be strong and eating to be healthy. working for success and playing like a child. That means letting go when necessary, but only after you put up the fight of your life.

I have been turning down going out with friends because I am so tempted to have some wine, as if it will chill my worries frozen. But I am determined to finish what I start (a rare feat for me). I am currently on day 43 out of 90. Almost half way done! Booyah!

Good news, again? oh yes, because all things come in threes.

I will be go to the Lake Eden Arts Festival in two weeks! This time without the sweet hubby since he will be graduating a week later and freaking over his finals anyway. My solid friend for all of my 20s is going to be my camping buddy! Maybe Ill zipline! I want to learn to contra dance. I will not consume massive amounts of tequila, like last time, but I will be up early enough for yoga for once.

Good news # 3?

In the midst of my stressing out, I made an appointment for a haircut. I usually let my hair go for months and months. Im feeling anew because I got a sexy, sort of extreme bob cut. I didnt say much of what was going on, but sharing stories with my hairdresser was the best therapy I have received in years. We talked religion, we talked marriage, we talked family, we talked money, we talked work. Surface enough to be funny as hell, deep enough that it mattered.

Strength. God, give it to me. This week will be better than decent! I go into Crossfit now Mon, Wed, and Fri! Im beyond excited a spot opened up. I am setting personal records every time I go in, or at least the satisfaction of doing some that only few would dare to try.

I will do a damn pullup one day! I will do a decent handstand.

I will chill out.

Reactions

Today, we briefly talk about how much I love bacon. I didn't grow up in a kosher house, and my grandparents, foodies themselves, had long ago disregarded their religious obligations for shellfish and Chinese food. There is only shame when I tell friends or family more dedicated to tribal traditions. I think this is on my mind abit more than usual because today was the Falafel 5k at the JCC and I didnt go. I went the last two years with pathetic times, and this was going to be the year I killed it. I'm sore,and my body says to just go for a bike ride and stretch out the extreme soreness I am experiencing from kicking ass. Wearing heels last night did not help.

primal living does not give me a free ride to live solely on bacon, although you will lose a good amount of weight if you went there. If I was to go to that extreme I would have to worry about kidney stones and my palate getting bored. Like anything in life that requires discipline there are ground rules: only buy quality, organic, humanely raised meats with no additives and since its the only thing I eat with sodium, I try to only have it a few times a week. Justin would like some daily.

Top Ten Bacon Indulgences So Far

1. Chicken, Bacon and Avocado Salad
2. Bacon and Cabbage
3. Bacon and Brussels Sprouts
4. Spinach, Roasted Red Peppers, Bacon Scramble
5. Bacon to start stews (cook your onions and garlic in the fat)
6. Bacon and Cantaloupe platter
7. Bacon and Shrimp lettuce wraps
8. Apple, bacon and walnut stir fry
9. Bacon, Chicken and Greens
10. Good ol Bacon and eggs, with Sliced tomatoes

I do have some non-bacon guilt running though my blood right now. I am not at a crossfit make-up class right now. I debated with my quads for awhile, and while they sympathize with my love of going, they are pleading for me to chill.
I did a serious amount of squats last week. 75 overhead squats on Friday alone. Good news: my legs look stellar, side-effect: sitting takes an extra 15-20 seconds. Recovery is faster than before, but I do get excited when I feel sore. I KNOW I pushed hard.

I havent lost a pound this week but thats okay. Clothes are falling off of me, including some I just got. Some Im only a week from getting into. Just because I can button the pants doesnt mean the world deserves to see me in them...

Day 36 of my challenge, and I wanted to touch on the reactions of others. As Spring comes into full bloom, Asheville's social scene is back in full force. As I bounce from commitment to commitment, I am taken aback by the impact my story, or even this blog is having on my friends. As I sipped on water at a backyard party, Im lost on how to react to praise of others. I lose the ability to explain exactly what Im doing and why, and for the people who know and are supportive, I want them to focus that energy back on themselves. Their own awesomeness.

I am aware of their frustrations with doing cardio 5x/week and not going anywhere. With living an aware life, and not seeing results. Im flattered by their support and equally wanting to support them in their goals. Likely, I look like a dear in headlights but those exchanges of ideas and love encourage me to not get weak. You hold me accountable, just by being my witness. Thanks for the advice too. Cold showers are coming my way.

The more I read though, the more I realize our bodies will resist the conventional wisdom on diet. Ill watch the 'Biggest Loser' and cringe at the low-fat, calorie inout, high impact, processed food endorsed method. I cheer when they lose weight and hit physical milestones, but I feel their suffering. They are hungry and still have cravings, and when do they recover? Why do they judge them on the scale alone? What a heart breaking experience...

If I could give any advice that anyone (including my vegan friends) could use it would be to cut out processed foods and sugar.

Books I would like to read but are not in the budget for another month:

Good Calories, Bad Calories

Primal Blueprint

The Vegetarian Myth

Now go outside, why are you wasting away in front of your computer screen? :)

Clarity

Black Balasm Knob, South of Graveyard Fields

Perhaps 32 is my magic number. It took just a little over a month to finally use the words I want to in a conversation, to feel enough energy at 5:30 to play some indoor soccer with my friend's kids and to be focused enough to be a rock-star at work. Living a 'Full Life!' has driven me through workouts and to eat Primal no matter what, and the plan totally worked.

Added bonus has been no allergies this Spring. At all. No itching behind the ears (this doesn't translate well in written word, you need to see me demonstrate). No congestion or itchy eyes.

I have till Mid June till my challenge is done but as of now, I really have found a lifestyle that is completely based in logic, simplicity and results. My diet makes sense scientifically- what I put in my body has a purpose and I dont spend any time wondering if I am eating too much, or not had enough of any particular need. My diet lacks nothing and my body is thrilled. Meat, Nuts, Seeds, Veggies, Fruits is the formula for change.

It does help we love to cook, but trust me, anything is easier than counting blocks or calories. Did I get rid of my gourmand qualities? Far from it - Damn Good Chili, Coconut Curry Shrimp, Pork with Kale, Eggs with homemade salsa and bacon. Lots of fresh herbs, locally grown ingredients and some shrimp we scored from a friend who just got back from Apalachicola... I mean, my fridge rocks right now.

Except there is no fruit. Im dealing.

Truth is, I felt awful most of my life. physically I was an achy mess. I think about what I ate as a kid and teenager and Im embarrassed.

How did I get little debbies coffee cakes that I ate daily? I cant remember if I paid extra in the lunch line or what... How did I just eat french toast covered in syrup and nothing else for breakfast at school?

The tv show Jamie Oliver's Revolution has tapped into my hopeful nature in wanting change, and Ive seen every episode, all four. You can watch it on Hulu.com if you are interested in getting a glimpse into school lunches. Huntington WV, the locale of the reality show, schools seem to be feed the same as my Miami. Or in most prisons. I do have another confession to make ... I still watch the Food Channel. I scream 'I can eat that' at the tube when I see roasted chicken or bacon wrapped dates. Ive made a game of diet bingo in my living room, all while reading or folding laundry.


I havent made a personal game for the site http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/. It stands alone in entertainment value. For lifestyle advice I visit http://www.marksdailyapple.com/ daily because living a full life means living a balanced one.

Crossfit keeps me level. There are some things I can't do yet but there I things I am doing now I never thought I could do. There is serious motivation in that combination for me. Better go recover from all that motivation. Goodnight. "More Fun Tomorrow!"

Exposed

First off, Ive been brilliant with my Paleo habits. Food, water, hanging out in caves, and chasing small mammals. Around 28 days in. My failure this week was I only made it to 50 burpees last Monday. Justin and the dogs watched on, and they still love me. I have to do 100 soon.

There is a full week of working out planned to make up for the 24 hours of hell my body put me through on Friday. Stomach bug, like when I was in school. I fought it with water and fasting. My body didnt want a thing so I listened. Considering how nice I have been I figured it would give me some guidance. It did, I am a new again.

I mowed the lawn this afternoon, which is very unnatural, and headed to Ingles, where there are endless rows of unnatural crap. Eggo Chocolate Chip Pancakes.... really? I should have looked at the package.

Speaking of adventures in grocery land, I dont think the checkout ladies like me very much.. On average it takes 10 minutes to get through my veggies and people usually change lanes after they realized who they are behind. Produce and Meat girl.

It only takes seconds to checkout a cart full of processed boxes. Fresh herbs.... minutes.

'whats this?'. Parsnips, Kiwi, Kale...

Oh.. the young ones usually stabbed themselves with artichokes. I should say something, but I never have. Had one dude grab a pineapple like it was a football. I about yelped as much as him.

Survival skills means knowing your fruits and vegetables.
And if you're not kosher or vegan, bacon.

So I am going to do something really uncomfortable for me. right now. The only thing I can think of that would be more torturous would be to put up before/after photos. Which I will probably do at some point. This however, is the ultimate fear of anyone who has had weight issues. Showing their number, and perhaps even a GRAPH! Every so often I remind myself to go enter my weight at http://www.fitday.com/. I first signed up in early 2009 when I became determined to get in shape. My dad was getting sicker and sicker, and i wanted to be healthy enough to deal with that I thought was coming.

Light Blue: Actual Weight Dark Blue: Goal Weight

You can see how being at the hospital for months stalled my weight loss. I had chocolate coffee and a pastry every day at Mission during the summer. Im surprised I didnt gain more. I was working out, thanks to my boss who paid for bootcamps, and got me free yoga and pilates too. Stress was high, and working out saved me even more breakdowns.

People are good.

You can also see I am now down 47 pounds! I want to speed up my weight loss and I know how. I just dont want to do it. I need to limit my fruit intake more and increase my greens.

Also add in long hikes weekly. Tomorrow I will! adventure! play! Full day starting at 10 with Jessie. Next week another friend, then another.

Monday- Crossfit.

Im determined to reach my goal weight by mid-June...

And fit enough to kill my own dinner with my bare hands, like a f'in buffalo. Then do some pull ups on a tree nearby to celebrate.

Enlightenment

The last few days felt like a progression to enlightenment. That sounds big. I know. I still working on the wording of how I have been feeling.

Good. Damn good.

The first of Spring just seems like an organized background to my stage. Grass is getting tall, bees are, yes, a buzzin... and oh, it will make the most unlikely poets.

There were alot of 'firsts' in the last few days. Life is feeling full and I suppose it might be because of how consistent I have been. Day 22 and no drinking, no sugar, no grains, no dairy (besides the butter that sneaks I suspect when I eat out). I am also staying on schedule with my training. Which is to just go, or do something on the off days. Hikes, yoga, pushup work... something.

However, Ive noticed since I dont go into crossfit till Wed, the weekends are my recovery but Monday I am ready to get in a real workout. So tomorrow I am going to do the 100 burpees for time workout that my affiliate did as a benchmark workout. I missed it this particular recipe for hurt at the gym because I felt like crap for a few days. I missed Wed, but got in Thurs and Sat. I think I had a stomach bug. Maybe, it didnt take me down too hard.

It was my first afternoon class and my body was still pissed. I got queasy doing the workout and I took a few breathers. I still managed 86 squats during the rotation (push-ups,squats, power snatch) I really couldnt do a proper squat when I started. Know what sucks more than squats?

Walking lunges.

Back to the Burpees. J has a cool push counter (so we wont cheat) and a stopwatch and its on in the AM!

J and I went to a lovely backyard party cookout this weekend. Meat on the grill, parsnips, avocado... a feast! Great conversation and I was home by 11. I needed sleep bad. With the training becomes an obsession with recovery. Sleep well, Eat Well...

Speaking of diet, stopped by Two Spoons Ice Cream on Haywood to support Marissa and Chad's Grand Opening. It was packed. Flavors: Maple Bacon and Mocha Chocolate. Not even tempted. I guess my sugar cravings are all gone. Fruit is sweeter than ever. The ice cream was for J and his buddy D who were working on a car. I also brought home veggies, fruits, nuts, spices, and grass fed beef from Amazing Savings.

So why is the word of the weekend enlightenment?

• I put out a random burning bush. Which was strange.
• 10 Commandments was on tv that night.
• In sobriety I realized I am much more of a talker than I thought.
• I see my friends and family for who they are, and my expectations are reasonable, so I am not miserable all the time.
• My husband is my soulmate. I like it when life reminds me.
• I can go to the mall and find a killer dress for $20 in like 10 minutes
• I was able to take my dad out to lunch for his birthday and really appreciate my life with him in it