One of those days, yeah. With such extreme highs and lows, that my quest for a full life felt less like a goal and more like a hellish, yet somewhat rewarding, obstacle course to... home and bed. I felt every range of emotion today.
One of those days that I knew I had to write it all down. So much so I told myself 'break that stupid rule of one word blog titles and knock it out'. I have about 15 drafts of blogs. A few sentences, and then the thought, do I really have anything to say? ever?
Social norms dictate my words. My position at work requires me to. if I don't, I could be sued or my license taken from me. And I speak for others. Sometimes for an agent, or a client, or a coworker.. sometimes for myself. The good wife. The good employee. The good daughter. The stress of it all was as if someone was having me doing lifts and runs all day. I couldnt breath.
Today, my office, and my life, gave me an emotional WOD. It is riddled with success, but I still feel tight and my skin is hot. As if I jumped right out of a plane. My choices are to fight or run run run....
A scream, so loud, resides inside of me and for no reason then to release. But what do I have to say?
Today at 7am I went to take on whatever my coaches had cooked up. I didnt feel defeated, or even that off.. I was in the fight. PR on my front squats but I had to stop maxing after 10lbs over. This is good.
But then the workout. 4 rounds of 200m run (cool! I thought) and 10 Thrusters (38lbs)
On the second run I got a side stitch and felt dizzy. I panicked. After a few thrusters, I lost count and I looked at Shanna and said something like 'I made a mistake, I put too much weight on'. Not sure if she was shocked but she looked it at first, but hell.. I was. I never had backed down mid workout. As the words left my mouth, everything changed. Shanna said to do a few more to see how I did. I finished up and ran out the door. Ran. Stopped for a slow turn around, and side stitch. DAMN IT! I havent drunken enough water and I left my water bottle somewhere...
Coach was waiting for me. I moved as fast as I could, a defeated run.. a jog to the bar. Shanna said 'Do 4 and then two sets of 3'. Then I zoned. I corrected when I heard Corey and Shanna directed me but I was gone. gone and going. every other sound was a blur, although I knew the voices and what they were saying.
My brain just focused so intently that when I heard 'you can do five' I just kept going... I had no thoughts whatsoever except directing my body to do what it had to do. I can never do that. Be so intense on one thing.
Then the last two I really dug down into my quiet mind. And they were good. I finished strong.
after a short breath and donated water, it was time for max burpees in 2 minutes in celebration for a fellow crossfitter's birthday... and I wanted to give it my all. The slowest most painful attempt at burpees ever. Didnt count, couldnt think, one at a time and done. damn.
Then work. "Upset persona on your voicemail, heather."
Did my friend pass his state exam, is one of my agents dead?
"should money be sent there or there, how are we going to get paid, my phone doesnt work, my email doesnt work, why is this like this, what is this called, Im going to do it my way because, I dont care, I need you" check, check, check, agent is alive and my buddy passed his exam! yay!
Then conversations with family about ongoing health issues. Another world was happening that I had to put aside during work.
But what do I have to SAY?
Every heartbreak, thought, conversation, smile, and failure is a gift. My heart might beat loud, but GOD it is beating and my blood is flowing. What could mean more than owning your existence? I have made that decision, so this I ask the world: teach me. Make me stronger, wiser, and even wittier.
If I can control my words, maybe I can learn to control my doubts.
Sounds like a good time to go to Europe.