Inspired! And the Testimonial.

Sorry blog, its been awhile. Like planned, the whole lifestyle I adopted ended up being second nature. Yeah, I had a few shots of whiskey and tequila and several slices of pizza.. and there was that one burger. It wasnt common, but it added up slowly. And I just felt 'off'. I decided to go another 90 days strict, just for the hell of it. I started it so long ago.. November 5th (had to look that bad boy up)

Truth is, I dont really have a good answer prepared when people ask me why I quit drinking too. I fall over my words. Ummm... discipline test, clarity, weight loss. The truth is, it just seems like good things happen when I go 100% clean. Dont know why, but it seems to be my horseshoe. Last time I got promoted and went to Spain. This time, I just feel damn good.

There is a control over my life in the form of discipline, even when everything else feels way way out of control. Discipline. Its the word I dedicate to my practice in yoga. Every single time for over a year now. It serves as a reminder that I quickly can get off course with distractions. Work needs constant re-focusing, and so do my goals. All those crazy goals I want to achieve.

Coach Shanna encouraged me, right when I needed a reminder of how far ive come, to share my whole story and I finally wrote it all out. writing about 29 years in a few paragraphs seemed daunting, and there is that whole feeling exposed to the world thing. Finally, here it is. (The before/after picture shows you how long Ive been dragging this out- Ill update on my one year with newer pictures)

For most of my life I have been a prisoner in my own body, jailed by my own limitations which I depressingly tried to hide. Although I had a happy childhood, I was a sickly kid who often sat on the sidelines. My chronic ear infections led to multiple surgeries then permanent damage, and my poor eating habits and inactivity led to early obesity. By the time I was in middle school, I was watching my diet and struggling with the roller coaster of weigh loss that would haunt me till this last year.
I remember so many occasions where my poor health and fitness kept me from feeling part of a group. I couldn’t climb a tree like my playmates, the yearly Presidential Fitness Test was a source of shame, and the dresses I wanted to wear to the dance didn’t fit me. I labeled myself anything and everything but athletic. I was a musician, a writer, the academic, and everyone’s helper.
My family suffered as I did and we did what we could to not be victims of our own health. Whether it was group focused weigh loss programs, shakes, books, and everything conventional or not, we tried it. We would temporarily succeed and the scale would move back and forth till I left home. The one thing I never tried was to give myself the label of being ‘fit’. I went off the college and got married. Went through some life struggles and did what I could to make the most of what I thought I could do.
Then a little over a year ago, everything changed. My beloved father, who I am almost exactly like in work ethic and humor, got mysteriously ill. We knew and dealt with his heart problems since I was little, but this was different. And then the story gets hard to talk about. After being referred to the Mayo Clinic and having this incredible fear of the unknown, I made the decision to take advantage of my potential. I no longer wanted to waste my life. If I was lucky enough to be able walk, why not run? If I could lift my arms, why not get strong?
My dad’s kidney’s failed after he came back from the clinic in Jacksonville. And he stopped responding to my voice in ICU several days later. The family was called from out of town and his best friend was planning for his services. However, we are fighters in my family. And he did. And after several close calls and over three months in the hospital he finally came home. During this time, I started running and counting calories like I done before, desperate to be tough enough to handle the stress his diagnosis, a rare auto-immune disorder. Luckily, I had the support of my office and husband who wanted the same for me.
Right before that summer, I got on a scale for the first time in years. 209lb. I was a size 18. At my heaviest I was a size 22W and I had never been below a size 12. I was always tired, had a hard time waking up and going to sleep. Health wise, I was a mess. I was always sick, colds would turn into monsters that would take me out for weeks. My family doctor confirmed my high risk for heart disease and diabetes. My hormones were off, and I feared never being able to have children. It was my prison, my body.
After I made the decision to take control of my health, all I needed were the tools. I was struggling with running, the shin splits and hip aches didn’t stop me, but I was clearly doing something wrong. Luckily, I had a dear friend, Eva, who I worked with and had recently had her own transformation. She said ‘Heather, Crossfit is made for you, just sign up’. And for months I dragged my feet, a bit intimated and thinking I had to get fit for the program. She was persistent, and I am thankful for that! I finally emailed Shanna at Crossfit Asheville and signed up for Feburary 2010 OnRamp. It was the best decision I ever made.
So excited, and unnecessarily nervous, I started to do what I do best, research. Eva was eating Paleo diet which was explained on the Crossfit Asheville’s website. I followed their links to Cordain’s website, where the testimonials mirrored my own gut, allergy and weight problems. I read books like ‘The Primal Blueprint’ by Mark Sisson and ‘Good Calories, Bad Calories’ by Gary Taubes, and I knew I found the answer. I cut out grains and sugar. I immediately felt better. My energy skyrocketed and my constant stomach problems subsided. By the time I came in for my evaluation with Coach Corey, I had lost 15 pounds.
During that first visit to the gym I was inspired by the other members working out. Every age group and fitness level was represented and what they were doing was flat out impressive. Each doing the same workout, but scaled to their individual fitness levels. They were cheering each other on and there was a sense of community, representing Asheville as it should.
I should tell you, my first day of OnRamp was a real eye-opener to how unfit I was, even with all my ‘training’ for crossfit. I was trying hard and at my lowest moment, right when I needed the support, Shanna got down on the floor while I was trying to do pushups and said ‘remember this moment, there is no better starting point’. And she was right, and my mantra was born: Nowhere to go but up. I vowed to myself to keep coming back.
Inspired and excited that I could only get better, I decided to go strict with my clean eating (Meat, Veggies, Nuts, Seeds, some Fruit), including no drinking for 90 days to really test the lifestyle. I cannot stress enough how easy it was and how much the benefits made the switch worth it. I went from a size 16 to a 10 by the summer. My skin cleared up, my eyes brighten, and for the first time in my life I had no allergies. The strength I gained was not just physical. I was far from confident before I started working out at CFA. I gained poise that I didn’t know I had. With that, I was able to overcome obstacles at work, and I earned a major promotion putting me at the top of my field at a young age. That self-assurance led me to travel oversees by myself for the first time. That adventure showed me that being fit meant living a better quality of life. I could lug around my bags across Spain, climb fortresses, hike for miles and miles and enjoy every moment without being winded or exhausted.
A year ago this month, I contacted Crossfit Asheville and my life has changed completely because of it. I am now in the 130s for the first time in my adult life and I fit into a size 4/6. While most people comment on how different I look, what I am most grateful for is how I feel. I am not a prisoner anymore. I am strong enough emotionally to be there for my family, I am capable of tackling and succeeding at a high stress job, and I am fit enough to experience the world the way I always dreamt I would.
The coaches at Crossfit Asheville are truly salt of the earth. , and my fellow crossfitters are my family. They have cheered me on, held me accountable for my actions and been the foundation for all my successes this last year. I am forever grateful.

Forever grateful CFA!

Love,
H

Primal Overseas

Spain continues to drive me. The two weeks I spent overseas has increase my desire to see the rest of the world, but not just see it in the form of photo ops and tour buses like a tourist, but to conquer it with no fear like a proper traveller. When my insecurities were not an option, because well.. there was only myself, I discovered strengths and a confidence I thought were still years off. For whatever reason. There were a few times, when I found myself lost and overwhelmed, that I quickly reminded myself to breath and take control of the situation.

This all comes from the discipline I have gained from taking control of my diet and of the surprise lessons I learned at Crossfit Asheville.

The intensity of life, and oh! is it, is a gift we often run from. What a burden to not be comfortable! But the lessons of experiences, of finding yourself in a new moment, becoming a new person, and overcoming stress breaths life into staleness. I only awoke because I was prepared. Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally. Rick Steves guide book was also my bible.

Let me see if I can remember all the 'if I wasnt as fit, it wouldnt have happened' moments.'

I didnt want to check a bag, Rick Steves says best not to, travel light. I had my shoulder travel bag and a carry on (roughly 35lbs) which became the child I tended to the whole trip. Countless times I was left with only option of hauling it up steep narrow stairs at homes, in hostels, at the Metro and even at the airport. There is no way I could have done it safely and without injury if it wasnt for my training. I know this because as I lifted it overhead into cabinets and closets, I totally did it to form. Squat, Clean and Over!

Oh, and the stairs at Madrid Metro... Sumo Deadlift highpull.

However it is the endurance that was tested that lead me to realize I was having a better life. Walking miles, climbing up forts, and most importantly... running after buses and taxis.

When I got off the bus from Madrid to Granada, after knocking my head on the underside carriage getting out my bag, feeling more embarrassed then hurt.. I hurried past a group of cops checking passports and was stopped by an older gentleman. I remembered him sitting towards the front of the bus but I spent most of my time enjoying the spanish movies instead of socializing. The Romania woman next to me was clearly disappointed when I put my earphones on.. but at that point, I wanted to be away.

"You must go to San Nicolas in Albacin at sundown" I smiled and said I had heard that, but he persisted "you really must not miss it". So I settled into Granada, the days passed and I kept missing sundown. The Polish student studying in my hostel room was quick to tell me I should go with him to a non touristy spot, that San Nicolas was crap. He also told me the Alhambra was overrated... so, whatever, he was losing credibility fast although he was an excellent roomie. I had fears of being roomed with party animals... So when I told my hosts in Madrid I was staying an extra day, he too pressed I should go to San Nicolas.

I went on my last full day, at like 4pm.. I gasped at the view and wandered around the narrow streets with grand adventure. But I was burnt, so I headed back to the hostel around 6. At 7, I started to think.. I didnt go at sundown! The view of the Alhambra apparently turns red with the setting sun. Rick Steves, old guy in the bus station, hosts, my husband and President Clinton say its a must. So I washed up.. and when I stepped outside I realized I was losing light FAST. I started running to the main drag. and then got turned around.. and started running in the right direction. I AM GOING TO MISS THE SHOT. THE MOMENT!

I was darting through the crowds of locals, tourists, children and pooches, sprinting to the little red #31 bus that would take me to the viewpoint. It was several blocks ahead of me, like a rabbit in front of a dog, and moving fast. Who is the crazy tourist running? me.

This little 'never been athletic' caught the bus, just as it was closing the doors at the last plaza heading up to Albacin. I settled in, but my heart pounded knowing it was going to be close. At the stop I raced past confused tourists, knowing where to head at BAM! THE VIEW! Bursting with a deep red, it wasnt just the palace, it was the mountains, and the sky. The world was on fire, and I took one quick shot with my camera. The next one was not as vivid, and the next and next... I caught it in right in time.

That adventure would not even have happened last year. I would have never caught the bus, or raised past confused tourists on steep stairs. I could breath, I could experience. It was awesome.

Diet overseas reinforced the importance of eating clean. I went with the intentions I would do my best, and about a week into the trip, while I was not eating packaged crap, grains and sugar had become a daily occurrence. I could have stayed clean, but was trying to be balanced in the experience of all the new food... And I started to get really sick. I picked up on my body's cues.. I was getting allergies again, an ear ache, acne, stomach cramps (all the old daily symptoms of unhealthy Heather) and I panicked. I had gotten really sick the last time I was overseas and this time I didnt have Justin to protect me. I scouted out the local Pharmacies, looked up key words in my spanish book, and started to eat clean. Besides vino. And guess what, I immediately started to heal right up. I made it to my flight, and then got a sinus infection on the flight. Oh well.

One day of rest at home, two rough workouts with some coughing, and now I am 100%. I am vino-less for a week now, going for 30-60-?. That clarity only lead to positive things happening for me, especially training wise. and professionally.

Eating clean (Paleo, Primal, whatever) is now more about health then appearance. Good thing too.. I feel like my weight loss has stalled. I wouldnt know though, and hell.. I dont care. My body is shaping still and my muscles are doing cool things like being there. But to not be sick, and wonder anymore why my body is my enemy is such a huge relief. I know what I eat effects my whole self.

I did do squats and pushups while I was away. Maybe 8/14 days of my trip. I thought all that walking would keep me fit, but coming back to Crossfit was a total shock on my body.

I was so sore last week. Now I feel back in the groove and perhaps the Charleston Bridge 10K in April is a resonable goal for me. I did the mile trial when I got back and I didnt do as well as I expected to. I cut off some time but my body was still recovering. I am going to go back to my weekly extra sprint drills. and just keep moving forward.

For the duration.

If one thing I did really learn in Spain was I need not to fret. It is best to have confidence and find a solution than worry and fear. Part of it was their relaxed lifestyle, but most of it was realizing that there is no point to have your heart race to feel you are doing your best. My best comes with balance, health, and knowledge. All things I can control.

It still sticks with me. I am bringing it to work, and to all my daily challenges.

Nowhere to really go, ever, but up.

video journal of spain

One of those days

One of those days, yeah. With such extreme highs and lows, that my quest for a full life felt less like a goal and more like a hellish, yet somewhat rewarding, obstacle course to... home and bed. I felt every range of emotion today.

One of those days that I knew I had to write it all down. So much so I told myself 'break that stupid rule of one word blog titles and knock it out'. I have about 15 drafts of blogs. A few sentences, and then the thought, do I really have anything to say? ever?

Social norms dictate my words. My position at work requires me to. if I don't, I could be sued or my license taken from me. And I speak for others. Sometimes for an agent, or a client, or a coworker.. sometimes for myself. The good wife. The good employee. The good daughter. The stress of it all was as if someone was having me doing lifts and runs all day. I couldnt breath.

Today, my office, and my life, gave me an emotional WOD. It is riddled with success, but I still feel tight and my skin is hot. As if I jumped right out of a plane. My choices are to fight or run run run....

A scream, so loud, resides inside of me and for no reason then to release. But what do I have to say?

Today at 7am I went to take on whatever my coaches had cooked up. I didnt feel defeated, or even that off.. I was in the fight. PR on my front squats but I had to stop maxing after 10lbs over. This is good.

But then the workout. 4 rounds of 200m run (cool! I thought) and 10 Thrusters (38lbs)

On the second run I got a side stitch and felt dizzy. I panicked. After a few thrusters, I lost count and I looked at Shanna and said something like 'I made a mistake, I put too much weight on'. Not sure if she was shocked but she looked it at first, but hell.. I was. I never had backed down mid workout. As the words left my mouth, everything changed. Shanna said to do a few more to see how I did. I finished up and ran out the door. Ran. Stopped for a slow turn around, and side stitch. DAMN IT! I havent drunken enough water and I left my water bottle somewhere...

Coach was waiting for me. I moved as fast as I could, a defeated run.. a jog to the bar. Shanna said 'Do 4 and then two sets of 3'. Then I zoned. I corrected when I heard Corey and Shanna directed me but I was gone. gone and going. every other sound was a blur, although I knew the voices and what they were saying.

My brain just focused so intently that when I heard 'you can do five' I just kept going... I had no thoughts whatsoever except directing my body to do what it had to do. I can never do that. Be so intense on one thing.

Then the last two I really dug down into my quiet mind. And they were good. I finished strong.

after a short breath and donated water, it was time for max burpees in 2 minutes in celebration for a fellow crossfitter's birthday... and I wanted to give it my all. The slowest most painful attempt at burpees ever. Didnt count, couldnt think, one at a time and done. damn.

Then work. "Upset persona on your voicemail, heather."

Did my friend pass his state exam, is one of my agents dead?

"should money be sent there or there, how are we going to get paid, my phone doesnt work, my email doesnt work, why is this like this, what is this called, Im going to do it my way because, I dont care, I need you" check, check, check, agent is alive and my buddy passed his exam! yay!

Then conversations with family about ongoing health issues. Another world was happening that I had to put aside during work.

But what do I have to SAY?

Every heartbreak, thought, conversation, smile, and failure is a gift. My heart might beat loud, but GOD it is beating and my blood is flowing. What could mean more than owning your existence? I have made that decision, so this I ask the world: teach me. Make me stronger, wiser, and even wittier.

If I can control my words, maybe I can learn to control my doubts.

Sounds like a good time to go to Europe.

Adventure!

Oy! I can't complain. (you'll see why further down this read)

I sort of want to.. but what an awful, useless exercise so I am going to try to limit myself to just one itsy-bitsy paragraph. GO!

Ive been tired and missed several workouts, hiding my alarm clock under a pillow, wanting to stay in my dreams. I have been LETTING myself get all excited at night. That ended last night, but I still slept in. My body is forgiving me after several early morning crash outs. Ill write this all out and go to bed.

Finding my groove.
So, what is with all this excitement!? New job, new adventures planned, new body and face, new friends, everything is brand spanking new. Every day is an overload of 'to dos' and 'to plans' and 'to buys' Nothing feels constant, just yet! A full life. Yep. Remember that. Thats what I wanted.

But exposing yourself is not for the weak...awkward conversations haunt me. Stumbles and missteps too.

When I told my doctor awhile back I was feeling a bit stressed, he told me 'Dont forget you made that choice: that job, that life'. Ugh, it rings and rings in my head doc. Trying to make that advice work for me.

What I know is that I want to choose the path less travelled by. I want adventure and discovery, and the discomfort it comes with, to bring the best out of me. So I am just going to figure this shit out. Get it taken care of. But that person. Walk it off.

Life has changed. My diet has given me health, freedom from pain and sickness. Crossfit has given me confidence that there isnt some self prescribed limit to what I am capable of in any aspect of my life. The practice of discipline has been all encompassing, and if something doesnt serve me, it is time to let it go. Somehow all of this has led me to being rewarded. Like big.

I am going to Spain August 31st.

did I have funds to fly to Europe? Hell no. Did I give up hope... pretty much. And then all the work, stress, hours given to my career paid off and I was given the best gift of them all: a real adventure. 13 days in Espana. Going to beautiful thoughtful inspiring Laura get married. And I am going solo.

Spending my time practicing Spanish and staring at a tight budget on the kitchen table, making it work on $50/day. Which should be plenty. Oh but to swim a foreign sea, to eat tapas, to drink vino, to discover Toledo.. and ride in a train across the country...

Planning for this is keeping my blood running hot. I am so excited. and scared. and pumped. and humble. I am lucky that when I first get there, I will be thrown into a downright celebration of marriage and love. Up in San Sebastian... yes, delicious beautiful rolling hills, salty air Basque Country. But then... ohh, maybe Barcelona and then back to Madrid. Toledo. Segovia.

Still working on that. But yes, it will be me, my backpack, my camera and this little netbook. A first aid kit (outfitted by Justin of course) and some books.

Donated clothes from Eva and Ericka. We should have a Crossfit Clothes Exchange!

My family is thrilled. Ive been talking about this wedding for over a year, and I have been wanting to 'put myself out there' and see the world. I am reading alot about travelling solo, and only fear getting lonely. Apparently I should be fine. Since I talk to everyone.

This is the stuff I fret over.

So I DONT KNOW MY WEIGHT! Thanks coach ;) I was told to only get on it once a month, on the 1st, and if I miss that date, oh well. Just a few days away!Im smaller though. I can tell.

I am running about 90% Paleo right now because I had a half of beer and pizza (after my 'break' at work) this week. Neither was worth it. I didnt die, like I thought I would. But, ehhh. I rather have some fruit and some steak. and grilled veggies. Had a lovely Paleo dinner at the Whitehurst's. We are starting to find eachother, us modern caveman, and it is nice to trade information and tips, and feast. I feel lucky to have Anita as part of my support team. Two year old Ruby Jo said grace. I didnt mention how much I loved that moment. and being blown kisses.

But goodnight, it is late. I am going to workout tomorrow.

Oh, I almost forgot. Going 30 days without drinking in August to help with focus and training! Then off on a plane, over a whole ocean....

Holiday

Mini-Heather (a before shot)

Today has been fun for me. The office was closed to celebrate the day after the 4th of July and the only 'must' I had to do was head into Crossfit Asheville for 'Fight Gone Bad'. A workout of box jumps, sumo deadlift high pulls, rowing, wall balls, and push presses. Justin came too, and it was the first time he has seen me workout, or as he says 'really workout' since he has seen me in a regular ol gym before, going nowhere on an treadmill.
For you guys that know my husband, you know him as the polite, sweet, supportive man that will gladly leave the table at a dinner party to fix a broken car door or to help man the kitchen because everyone else is sloshed. And a lucky few know him as the wise, humble man who has a lifetime of tragedies and victories in a few short years. To me, he is my life witness. He has watched me grow from a teenager without a clue, to a lazy military wife, a 3 job holding caretaker, to a stressed unhealthy real estate agent, to now... it was nice to see him cheering me on today. My ultimate witness.
So here is my cheers to him. Just a little one because he doesnt like alot of hooplah. Thanks for cooking Paleo for me without complaint, listening to me ramble on about weightlifting, telling me i look amazing when I stand in front of the mirror wondering why my belly is really the last to go, and for calming me down when the day has killed my spirit. You will make a great father (one day, mom!) as well as be a champ in the delivery room, and for the 9 months before. You are the most helpful person I know, which is what has bonded us from the beginning. You are a hero to my family and me. Thanks for looking up medical questions in the middle of the night, thanks for driving, thanks for feeding us, thanks for making us sane. And for changing my oil in the heat while I type this away in front of a fan. I adore you.
So that was on my mind. Which is nice.

I have been very fortunate lately with my work, earned a promotion, and with that I am researching methods to properly handle the stress which is inevitable with the position. Coach Corey has been mentioning different breathing techniques he is going to review with us, and I have been religious about my exercise, diet and sleep patterns. So it will only get better with practice. Exhale.
But I suppose stress always comes with change of position. I just want to be damn good at my job.
In Paleo lifestyle news, my face is finally clearing up. After suffering from acne since being a pre-teen and trying every system, lotions, natural or not. The solution? Nothing but water.
A month or so ago I came across an article on http://www.marksdailyapple.com/ about acne. Here is the link for you. At this point, when I came across the read, I was damn frustrated with my skin. The Paleo diet was suppose to clear my face.. but I still had teenage like breakouts. My skin glowed, and my eyes were clear, but those spots... a friend even bought me proactive several months back, which would work for about a month then it relapsed. So I thought, what the hell do I have to lose??
I stopped using any products to clean my face. I use mineral power to hide what is holding on but my skin is about 90% better than a month ago. I just bought fish oil and b12 to tweak my nutrients, and I feel hopeful for the first time about my skin. My pale, creamy skin that shows my life from birth to death... it hides nothing, all my decisions, what I eat, when I get bites, when I fall, when I gain and lose weight.
So, the plan? To continue! Although it is weird to wash everything in the shower but my face... Should I stop washing my hair too?! People have, and swear by it. But as Justin says, you cant be a dirty hippie and a Broker In Charge (apparently it takes a month for your hair's natural oils to regulate themselves).
I agree. I have stop using conditioner and my hair is soft and full of life. Alot of personal information here people!
Well, this was a pretty 'chick' blog post... next post: music! My ideal mix tape for crossfit and how I must make it for my coaches, as a thank you.

Keep keeping on, people.

Intensity

Im late to update the Internets of my successes on my 90 day challenge. ITS OVER! SUCCESS!! NO PROBLEM!! The only failure was not being sure to journal everything happening to my body and in my life.

Awhile back I made the decision this was 'it' and this lifestyle was forever for me, so to celebrate 90 days....meh...

I feel like a kid. Full of energy and play. I am confident. I eat well, sleep well, and make coworkers jump on furniture to practice box jumps. This is life, and I am just gitty over feeling free of limitations.

For awhile, I was put off about talking about my weight loss which perhaps kept me from writing this all down. The celebration of it all seemed abit self indulgent and the truth is, the habits I developed as part of my new lifestyle were so easy, I feel dumb I didnt do this all years ago. That feeling comes and goes.

Today, however, I did do a little dance. I've had alot of PRs *the only way is up* and those successes seem to matter more than me than weight loss or dress sizes down. I'm slowing a bit in those categories but my muscles are awesome. Not bulky, just them doing their thing. Looking all cool.

But I am fitting into a size 8 and this is way way down. I started at size 14/16 when I started crossfit in Feb. I am down close to 30 pounds. That has completely stalled though, I think. Its been awhile since I have been on one. I hear this is normal, and now I just dont care.

My medium shorts are all I need to know I am headed in the right direction.

My victories seem small in the big world of athletes, but at least I am competing to improve. I love it and I can see myself doing power ups, 6 minute miles and hand stands. But this is what i can do now, that I never ever could before

*a real push-up

*a sub 2:00 400m

*buy a dress anywhere in the mall

*deadlift my dog

*walk from Lexington to Haywood on that hill from death and not be out of breath

*rock climb

*SQUAT!

*that crazy yoga shoulder stretch where you grab your arms around your back- ON BOTH SIDES. this was huge for me.

*hold myself up on rings (moving on up with my dips)

*make it through a 14 hour work day without fatigue (the stress part I am still working on)

*Be discipline by only eating real food. yum.
*make it through Spring without allergies

*catch my runaway criminal dog (cant stop him from chasing rabbits) half way down the street instead of him outrunning me like I am a fat cop

Functional fitness. That is what crossfit is in two words. What Crossfit Asheville is so much more than that. There is really a sense a pride between all of us different CFA members. Now, when I am out and about, there is nothing better than running into someone from class. I believe the intern at work is sick of hearing about my power cleans, and I really shouldnt burpee at parties. But this dad of a three year old, or this former athlete shares in the same experience as me. There is a bond in the intensity of the workouts.

We have world class coaches. I wish, I wish we could clone them (without the whole weird factor) and put them in every public school in the country. My life would have been different. They are inspiring. Hell, sometimes I want to stop by to see if they arent busy so I could pick their brains some more. They are clear in their directions of new scary workouts and push you forward when you need it. They also pull you back when you have lost you're freaking mind. I haven't gotten injured, and it is because of their expertise in body form and function. They scale to injuries and limitations and everyone sees progress. This is my testimonial: I have ran on treadmills, ate low fat and counted points but nothing ever took the way Crossfit Asheville has. The support of the community they have created, along with their knowledgeable guidance in overall fitness is the perfect formula for real long term success. Whatever goal you have. I can't recommend them enough.

Its nice that I spend only three hours a week in the gym. For now. I might go up soon. My goals are changing and getting more outrageous.

I might even keep up my blog.

Quickie

I am recovering from a wicked head cold. loving on babies and lots of stress apparently will knock me down.

Nothing but success with my diet/lifestyle and Im totally thrilled I made it to day 51, I will make it to 90, and beyond.

Just fit into a new pant size, and the scale is currently being really damn friendly to me

I see my doctor this week, and I cant wait to see his reaction to how I look! Im about 17 pounds down since Ive seen him in February.

LEAF is this weekend, which means trying new activities. Zip-lining and Contra dancing. Who will dance with me? I hope some patient soul with spin me and make me look good.

Next post will be on why Crossfit works for me and therefor anyone. I could push press my dog.

Flight

I understand everyone goes through stress. As I ramble on in my next post, know that in many ways I am very lucky and there are far worse situations I can be in. I have my health, I have a purpose in my career, I have a husband that comforts me when I feel defeated and quickly reminds me to 'walk it off'. He says that because my that's my dad's saying, and he reminds me to be proud of who Ive become. It was how I was raised. Brush yourself off and take care of what you need to do. Be bigger than a defeat.

First time I remembered hearing my dad say it, I had fallen off my bike when he was teaching me to ride without training wheels. It was not cold hearted in the least, he knew I was alright but he also knew without a coach i would just go home, and pout. In that moment, I never wanted to see a bike again. Just hearing 'walk it off' made me try again that afternoon. On the basketball court at school. Where I ran right into the pole. Walk it off.

Needless to say, I learned to ride the bike pretty fast after that. I had a job as a papergirl for a year with my new found skills, must have been around 9. Working for what I had was a daily lesson, and my dad, I am sure, was damn proud of me when I landed the gig. I did get let go in a massive layoff. 5 kids were replaced with a delivery truck. We were told in a letter on the stack of newspapers, our last run. But I walked it off.

I am a fighter still but its just now, at age 29, that I understand it's more than just getting over tough situations, its a tool for survival. No self defined victim is ever happy or healthy. No victim ever survives when there is just a small chance to do so. That lesson came as an adult, when I watch others struggle to live or to recover.

I have been tested in the last few weeks.

When I train at Crossfit, its so much more than just getting physically stronger. My coaches naturally tap into my need to be told to walk it off, and I am mental powerhouse because of it. I get it done.

I haven't always been so determined. My terrible habit of fleeing from discomfort put my life on pause for years. I would avoid, procrastinate and sabotage my body, my checkbook and my spirit. In my last few weeks of clarity and milestones, this is the lesson I take with me: never again.

I am over half way into my 90 day no drinking, no carbs, no sugar, no dairy challenge. Even with work, family and life stress, I have refused to fall and eat crap. I am the best of myself. That is the most unexpected side effect so far, besides the fact I HAVE HAD NO ALLERGIES THIS YEAR! God, I can't get over that.

My weight loss stalled for about two weeks, and just when I was really starting to question myself and I was going to write my coach for advice, I started losing again. Down two more pounds and an unknown amount of inches! I wore the famous 'had it since college, only can wear when Im skinny' jacket again today. Its way too big now. My new curves are loss behind a once super snug, in the back on the closet, 'one day' article of clothing.

Another small thing that has helped me through daily challenges, is of course my mini-victories at Crossfit. I get tons of encouragement. Lots of 'walk it off' types of sayings.

One at a time.

Get back up.

Pull hard.

UP UP UP.

But I got an extra cool one yesterday. When sprinting, putting probably too much effort into the first round, one of my coaches SCREAMED as I was coming down hill 'LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE FLYING!' That has carried with me since. I fly.

Wonder what I will do tomorrow morning with my 8am crew?

continue to surprise myself.

Strength

"If I can make it through that painful workout, I sure as hell can survive daily challenges"... I mentioned to my friend Eva, a fellow Crossfit, last Wednesday. Within the hour, I had a totally mental breakdown. Energized with the feeling I could accomplish anything, I tackled a situation I was really uncomfortable with, and it totally completely backfired. Then I felt powerless to help. And then I just felt useless.

Took me a good day to bring some of my energy back from the depths of self-pity land. I wasnt sleeping very well because of stress so I never really recovered from my workouts. I walked like how I felt, like someone beat the crap out of me.

Good news?

It all goes on and on. Life cycles, moods change, you get over it. I worked out hard this week, rode my bike, and stayed on course. I did not want my reaction to stress to be unhealthy one, but one that would prove I am getting strong in all aspects of my life. That my discipline is solid. That all this turning down chocolate truffles and whiskey has a purpose. That life is bigger than just one day, and I want to have a good old time on this planet.

That means training to be strong and eating to be healthy. working for success and playing like a child. That means letting go when necessary, but only after you put up the fight of your life.

I have been turning down going out with friends because I am so tempted to have some wine, as if it will chill my worries frozen. But I am determined to finish what I start (a rare feat for me). I am currently on day 43 out of 90. Almost half way done! Booyah!

Good news, again? oh yes, because all things come in threes.

I will be go to the Lake Eden Arts Festival in two weeks! This time without the sweet hubby since he will be graduating a week later and freaking over his finals anyway. My solid friend for all of my 20s is going to be my camping buddy! Maybe Ill zipline! I want to learn to contra dance. I will not consume massive amounts of tequila, like last time, but I will be up early enough for yoga for once.

Good news # 3?

In the midst of my stressing out, I made an appointment for a haircut. I usually let my hair go for months and months. Im feeling anew because I got a sexy, sort of extreme bob cut. I didnt say much of what was going on, but sharing stories with my hairdresser was the best therapy I have received in years. We talked religion, we talked marriage, we talked family, we talked money, we talked work. Surface enough to be funny as hell, deep enough that it mattered.

Strength. God, give it to me. This week will be better than decent! I go into Crossfit now Mon, Wed, and Fri! Im beyond excited a spot opened up. I am setting personal records every time I go in, or at least the satisfaction of doing some that only few would dare to try.

I will do a damn pullup one day! I will do a decent handstand.

I will chill out.

Reactions

Today, we briefly talk about how much I love bacon. I didn't grow up in a kosher house, and my grandparents, foodies themselves, had long ago disregarded their religious obligations for shellfish and Chinese food. There is only shame when I tell friends or family more dedicated to tribal traditions. I think this is on my mind abit more than usual because today was the Falafel 5k at the JCC and I didnt go. I went the last two years with pathetic times, and this was going to be the year I killed it. I'm sore,and my body says to just go for a bike ride and stretch out the extreme soreness I am experiencing from kicking ass. Wearing heels last night did not help.

primal living does not give me a free ride to live solely on bacon, although you will lose a good amount of weight if you went there. If I was to go to that extreme I would have to worry about kidney stones and my palate getting bored. Like anything in life that requires discipline there are ground rules: only buy quality, organic, humanely raised meats with no additives and since its the only thing I eat with sodium, I try to only have it a few times a week. Justin would like some daily.

Top Ten Bacon Indulgences So Far

1. Chicken, Bacon and Avocado Salad
2. Bacon and Cabbage
3. Bacon and Brussels Sprouts
4. Spinach, Roasted Red Peppers, Bacon Scramble
5. Bacon to start stews (cook your onions and garlic in the fat)
6. Bacon and Cantaloupe platter
7. Bacon and Shrimp lettuce wraps
8. Apple, bacon and walnut stir fry
9. Bacon, Chicken and Greens
10. Good ol Bacon and eggs, with Sliced tomatoes

I do have some non-bacon guilt running though my blood right now. I am not at a crossfit make-up class right now. I debated with my quads for awhile, and while they sympathize with my love of going, they are pleading for me to chill.
I did a serious amount of squats last week. 75 overhead squats on Friday alone. Good news: my legs look stellar, side-effect: sitting takes an extra 15-20 seconds. Recovery is faster than before, but I do get excited when I feel sore. I KNOW I pushed hard.

I havent lost a pound this week but thats okay. Clothes are falling off of me, including some I just got. Some Im only a week from getting into. Just because I can button the pants doesnt mean the world deserves to see me in them...

Day 36 of my challenge, and I wanted to touch on the reactions of others. As Spring comes into full bloom, Asheville's social scene is back in full force. As I bounce from commitment to commitment, I am taken aback by the impact my story, or even this blog is having on my friends. As I sipped on water at a backyard party, Im lost on how to react to praise of others. I lose the ability to explain exactly what Im doing and why, and for the people who know and are supportive, I want them to focus that energy back on themselves. Their own awesomeness.

I am aware of their frustrations with doing cardio 5x/week and not going anywhere. With living an aware life, and not seeing results. Im flattered by their support and equally wanting to support them in their goals. Likely, I look like a dear in headlights but those exchanges of ideas and love encourage me to not get weak. You hold me accountable, just by being my witness. Thanks for the advice too. Cold showers are coming my way.

The more I read though, the more I realize our bodies will resist the conventional wisdom on diet. Ill watch the 'Biggest Loser' and cringe at the low-fat, calorie inout, high impact, processed food endorsed method. I cheer when they lose weight and hit physical milestones, but I feel their suffering. They are hungry and still have cravings, and when do they recover? Why do they judge them on the scale alone? What a heart breaking experience...

If I could give any advice that anyone (including my vegan friends) could use it would be to cut out processed foods and sugar.

Books I would like to read but are not in the budget for another month:

Good Calories, Bad Calories

Primal Blueprint

The Vegetarian Myth

Now go outside, why are you wasting away in front of your computer screen? :)

Clarity

Black Balasm Knob, South of Graveyard Fields

Perhaps 32 is my magic number. It took just a little over a month to finally use the words I want to in a conversation, to feel enough energy at 5:30 to play some indoor soccer with my friend's kids and to be focused enough to be a rock-star at work. Living a 'Full Life!' has driven me through workouts and to eat Primal no matter what, and the plan totally worked.

Added bonus has been no allergies this Spring. At all. No itching behind the ears (this doesn't translate well in written word, you need to see me demonstrate). No congestion or itchy eyes.

I have till Mid June till my challenge is done but as of now, I really have found a lifestyle that is completely based in logic, simplicity and results. My diet makes sense scientifically- what I put in my body has a purpose and I dont spend any time wondering if I am eating too much, or not had enough of any particular need. My diet lacks nothing and my body is thrilled. Meat, Nuts, Seeds, Veggies, Fruits is the formula for change.

It does help we love to cook, but trust me, anything is easier than counting blocks or calories. Did I get rid of my gourmand qualities? Far from it - Damn Good Chili, Coconut Curry Shrimp, Pork with Kale, Eggs with homemade salsa and bacon. Lots of fresh herbs, locally grown ingredients and some shrimp we scored from a friend who just got back from Apalachicola... I mean, my fridge rocks right now.

Except there is no fruit. Im dealing.

Truth is, I felt awful most of my life. physically I was an achy mess. I think about what I ate as a kid and teenager and Im embarrassed.

How did I get little debbies coffee cakes that I ate daily? I cant remember if I paid extra in the lunch line or what... How did I just eat french toast covered in syrup and nothing else for breakfast at school?

The tv show Jamie Oliver's Revolution has tapped into my hopeful nature in wanting change, and Ive seen every episode, all four. You can watch it on Hulu.com if you are interested in getting a glimpse into school lunches. Huntington WV, the locale of the reality show, schools seem to be feed the same as my Miami. Or in most prisons. I do have another confession to make ... I still watch the Food Channel. I scream 'I can eat that' at the tube when I see roasted chicken or bacon wrapped dates. Ive made a game of diet bingo in my living room, all while reading or folding laundry.


I havent made a personal game for the site http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/. It stands alone in entertainment value. For lifestyle advice I visit http://www.marksdailyapple.com/ daily because living a full life means living a balanced one.

Crossfit keeps me level. There are some things I can't do yet but there I things I am doing now I never thought I could do. There is serious motivation in that combination for me. Better go recover from all that motivation. Goodnight. "More Fun Tomorrow!"

Exposed

First off, Ive been brilliant with my Paleo habits. Food, water, hanging out in caves, and chasing small mammals. Around 28 days in. My failure this week was I only made it to 50 burpees last Monday. Justin and the dogs watched on, and they still love me. I have to do 100 soon.

There is a full week of working out planned to make up for the 24 hours of hell my body put me through on Friday. Stomach bug, like when I was in school. I fought it with water and fasting. My body didnt want a thing so I listened. Considering how nice I have been I figured it would give me some guidance. It did, I am a new again.

I mowed the lawn this afternoon, which is very unnatural, and headed to Ingles, where there are endless rows of unnatural crap. Eggo Chocolate Chip Pancakes.... really? I should have looked at the package.

Speaking of adventures in grocery land, I dont think the checkout ladies like me very much.. On average it takes 10 minutes to get through my veggies and people usually change lanes after they realized who they are behind. Produce and Meat girl.

It only takes seconds to checkout a cart full of processed boxes. Fresh herbs.... minutes.

'whats this?'. Parsnips, Kiwi, Kale...

Oh.. the young ones usually stabbed themselves with artichokes. I should say something, but I never have. Had one dude grab a pineapple like it was a football. I about yelped as much as him.

Survival skills means knowing your fruits and vegetables.
And if you're not kosher or vegan, bacon.

So I am going to do something really uncomfortable for me. right now. The only thing I can think of that would be more torturous would be to put up before/after photos. Which I will probably do at some point. This however, is the ultimate fear of anyone who has had weight issues. Showing their number, and perhaps even a GRAPH! Every so often I remind myself to go enter my weight at http://www.fitday.com/. I first signed up in early 2009 when I became determined to get in shape. My dad was getting sicker and sicker, and i wanted to be healthy enough to deal with that I thought was coming.

Light Blue: Actual Weight Dark Blue: Goal Weight

You can see how being at the hospital for months stalled my weight loss. I had chocolate coffee and a pastry every day at Mission during the summer. Im surprised I didnt gain more. I was working out, thanks to my boss who paid for bootcamps, and got me free yoga and pilates too. Stress was high, and working out saved me even more breakdowns.

People are good.

You can also see I am now down 47 pounds! I want to speed up my weight loss and I know how. I just dont want to do it. I need to limit my fruit intake more and increase my greens.

Also add in long hikes weekly. Tomorrow I will! adventure! play! Full day starting at 10 with Jessie. Next week another friend, then another.

Monday- Crossfit.

Im determined to reach my goal weight by mid-June...

And fit enough to kill my own dinner with my bare hands, like a f'in buffalo. Then do some pull ups on a tree nearby to celebrate.

Enlightenment

The last few days felt like a progression to enlightenment. That sounds big. I know. I still working on the wording of how I have been feeling.

Good. Damn good.

The first of Spring just seems like an organized background to my stage. Grass is getting tall, bees are, yes, a buzzin... and oh, it will make the most unlikely poets.

There were alot of 'firsts' in the last few days. Life is feeling full and I suppose it might be because of how consistent I have been. Day 22 and no drinking, no sugar, no grains, no dairy (besides the butter that sneaks I suspect when I eat out). I am also staying on schedule with my training. Which is to just go, or do something on the off days. Hikes, yoga, pushup work... something.

However, Ive noticed since I dont go into crossfit till Wed, the weekends are my recovery but Monday I am ready to get in a real workout. So tomorrow I am going to do the 100 burpees for time workout that my affiliate did as a benchmark workout. I missed it this particular recipe for hurt at the gym because I felt like crap for a few days. I missed Wed, but got in Thurs and Sat. I think I had a stomach bug. Maybe, it didnt take me down too hard.

It was my first afternoon class and my body was still pissed. I got queasy doing the workout and I took a few breathers. I still managed 86 squats during the rotation (push-ups,squats, power snatch) I really couldnt do a proper squat when I started. Know what sucks more than squats?

Walking lunges.

Back to the Burpees. J has a cool push counter (so we wont cheat) and a stopwatch and its on in the AM!

J and I went to a lovely backyard party cookout this weekend. Meat on the grill, parsnips, avocado... a feast! Great conversation and I was home by 11. I needed sleep bad. With the training becomes an obsession with recovery. Sleep well, Eat Well...

Speaking of diet, stopped by Two Spoons Ice Cream on Haywood to support Marissa and Chad's Grand Opening. It was packed. Flavors: Maple Bacon and Mocha Chocolate. Not even tempted. I guess my sugar cravings are all gone. Fruit is sweeter than ever. The ice cream was for J and his buddy D who were working on a car. I also brought home veggies, fruits, nuts, spices, and grass fed beef from Amazing Savings.

So why is the word of the weekend enlightenment?

• I put out a random burning bush. Which was strange.
• 10 Commandments was on tv that night.
• In sobriety I realized I am much more of a talker than I thought.
• I see my friends and family for who they are, and my expectations are reasonable, so I am not miserable all the time.
• My husband is my soulmate. I like it when life reminds me.
• I can go to the mall and find a killer dress for $20 in like 10 minutes
• I was able to take my dad out to lunch for his birthday and really appreciate my life with him in it

Primal

What I have learn since Ive started Paleo (for a few months before the New Years and then starting back up at the end of January) is that I my lifetime of eating crap did effect my quality of life. Every day I was tired. Every day I would crash. Every day I was hungry. Also, when I got sick it was for a long long miserable, crying in the hallway, long time.

Do I hold back when people ask me about my diet? Believe or not, yes. Its hard to explain in a sentence and since I usually get "I could never do that", I sometimes feel defeated before I go in. I suppose I should set my intention to inform not hoping someone will join me. Risking being preachy, I talk less and less. I would love my family and friends to hope on board the primal lifestyle but it goes against conventional wisdom: low fat, grains and or processed diet food.

Calories are not calories. I got fat counting calories. Its possible its because I became insulin resistance. My body shape gives every clue I am pre-diabetic. More about that another post.

Explaining my choices fully means making sugar, grains, beans, and processed anything evil. That right there usually kills dialog with questioning parties.

"What no Diet Coke? No Stevia?"

There is never enough time to explain, so I am just doing my thing and hoping if someone is really interested in hearing what I am doing to get fit, they will ask me questions.

Or Ill write this blog to get it all out of my damn system!

I heard about the diet first from my friend E. She is a powerful spirit, successful and damn kind to me and I reached out to her after she starting shrinking. Then she stood on her head. For months she would remind me how I should join Crossfit, it was perfect for me. I had already lost weight running (jogging) and cutting crap like soda out of my diet. I also did Atkins on and off. Really, at the point, low carb was the only thing that work. Why I never stuck to it? No fruit. Not enough veggies. Possible too much cheese. I needed a plan, and she had one that worked.

Enter Paleo...

I finally found a good explanation of Paleo to share. While there are minor differences in the Paleo camp (including Primal) the basic rule is : meat, vegs, nuts, some fruit, no grains, no sugars, no diary (well sort of)

click below, internetters!

SUMMARY

So.. I have crossfit in the morning and this week I am beginning the 3x a week.

I am stronger than I have ever been. And a big part of that is my diet.

More about the science of what we eat for another time...

Quickie

Oh, blog, you haven't been forgotten! Please forgive me. The following post is short and poorly written, I just need to get these thoughts down.

This week has been full of needed realizations, discipline and successes. Lets break it down.

• I realized I love my job more than I thought. I was given an opportunity to talk about myself professionally and without filter I just rambled on about how attached I was to 'my agents, my bosses, and my office' While I knew I was invested , I was not aware to the extent I find personal happiness in my daily grind. The same day I had this moment of appreciation I was offered my own office with a door and window. It was if the universe was rewarding me for my loyalty.
• I will be as badass as my new office. I have tons of ideas that I WILL put into action to create success for each agent. This is just the beginning.
• I am now on day 15 of no BOOZE, no STARCH, no SUGAR, no DAIRY. Results: Im shrinking! I look healthier and this last workout I powered through with no breaks. I am even more energetic than usual, so much so I catch myself when I am going a mile a minute, overwhelming the people around me. At least sometimes I feel that way. 75 more days to go on my personal challenge. I totally got this.
• Success! I got on a scale: 166 as of this morning. While this is far from my ideal weight it is 43 pounds from where I started a year ago.
• I about had a 'f* this' moment working out on Wednesday. I didnt eat before I went and half way through my sprint run I hit a mental wall. I signed up for a marathon! POWER THROUGH, WUSSY! Ugh, I did and then I questioned later if I worked it out to the best of my ability. Heck, I even questioned if I finished the workout prescribed, but David who watched me run said he was sure he saw me do 5 reps of sprints (with Thrusters in between). I should just go into Crossfit and ask who is going to be my witness.
• Friday was kick butt. I did 5 pull ups with the gray band. Since I am around powerhouses, I didnt say anything but inside I celebrated. I am getting there, in small moments. We practiced pistols and I powered through what I could. My legs were already pissed from two days before. The WOD itself was GRACE. 30 reps of power clean and jerk for time. 31lbs at 2:4?. Looks like Ill be adding some more weights! 70% of my previous max was too easy (even though it was a tough session) I need to practice my form more. I could feel my back arching, and Shanna noticed as well. Hello broomstick. shoulders back, chin down...

There are several things I must do this week to be the person I want to be: Call some family members who have been reaching out, write a few thank you letters and finish my taxes.

Can I have a witness?!

Recovery

Welcome Spring! Hello Sunshine!

The warm weather is the talk of the town. Well, at least it was at the WNC Farmer's Market earlier today. It was nice to be somewhere where nobody knew me, where I could just people watch and indulge in a honey tangerine. I was sitting and watching because my sore tush could barely walk. It feels as rough as the first week of Crossfit.

Yesterday I endured a workout that might be the toughest so far. Best way to explain it would be:
30 8lb wall balls + 200m run,
then 30 15lb kettle ball + 2oom run
x 3

There were rest times after each run but it about killed the 8am crowd. They looked tough to me, but all were quick to vocalize how grueling it was afterwards. Thank god they said something! I did good, I finished strong but next time I will go for the 400m like almost everyone else. Maybe. Thats a wicked looking hill.

This workout also made me dislike the once cool wall balls. Kettle balls, stick with me.
So yeah, Im sore and I know I need a proper recovery so I can tackle next week and the rest of my life. I got a good night sleep last night and had another successful day with no SUGAR, no WHEAT, no DAIRY, and no BOOZE. I am going for 60 days. I'm on day 6 and feel great. Well, besides my thighs who would rather be fishing

Basically I am following the Primal/Hunter-Gatherer/Paleo/Caveman (whatever you call it!) lifestyle. Guess it must be pretty hard to brand when there is no product to pitch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaGI3RXE2_M

I will go into details later on how I approach this lifestyle, what I wanted to do was remember this recipe we just created.

Tandoori Chicken with Mashed Parsnips topped with

mushrooms and onions.

Parsnips Steam/Boil Parsnips and Onions with Garlic till tender. Puree up with some coconut milk. Pepper as desired.

Chicken Saute up mushrooms, onions, garlic in olive oil. After caramelized add chicken covered with Tandoori spices (bought at the farmer's marker) and cook until tender.
Enjoy! Seriously!

I am at the least going to run a mile at the track tomorrow. Even if Im sore. I have a few days before my next crossfit so between that and some knee to elbows.... and some much needed sleep and delicious healthy foods I should be set for the next power hour.

Discipline

Ok party people, today was my first day back at Crossfit since OnRamp finished last week. Drank my water, ate my egg and didnt kill a bird on the way to downtown. Good start.

I got in there in enough time to watch two of my former sidekicks finish a wicked looking workout. Jumpropes, Squats and Deadlifts, oh my.

I wanted to scream 'Hey! ROCK IT OUT!' but its their first day with a new group so I will hold back the embarrassing 'mother' moment for some other date. There is also a familiar face in the crowd, a popular local blogger who Ive interacted with online before. I haven't said anything to him though. Well, truthfully I don't say much of anything to anyone at Crossfit.

Its pretty damn humbling.

I bounced on over to the pull up bars, to see if Ive improved with the gray band. Not so much. Clearly I was holding back...

Our skill work today was push press. I got up to 48lbs, which is nothing compared to some other people (there are some powerhouses in my new class!), but it was the first time I actually struggled with a new goal, actually failing on the 5th rep. Shanna said to give myself three minutes, and try again. 1,2,3... struggle struggle...4...breath breath and UP! 5! It worked!

WOD

AMRAP 15 Minutes

90 Single Unders (jump ropes)
20 Deadlifts (38lbs)
10 Squats (with 8lb dumb bells)

I did three sets (I THINK!)

So lets talk about this. When I am doing these workouts I lose my ability to perform basic math skills, like counting. After tackling today's 'ready, set, go' I was trying to think through what exactly I did. I wrote three sets down on the board and in my book, and I remember doing 3 sets of jump ropes, right? What if I only did two? UGH!

But you know what Ive been meaning to say.. I really love having coaches. Shanna drew a smiling face on the ground for me to stare at since I like to look up (pleading with God) during my deadlifts. The occasional 'NICE' 'GOOD' 'TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT GOT IT' is helping me stay in the game when my body, trained by me to give up, fights me.

Had another cheat free day on Paleo, 56 more to go! More about that tomorrow.

Stressed

Yesterday I hit a bird on Riverside road as I was headed in to work. I instantly thought about a radio program I had heard months back: birds represent a love one's spirit in Irish folklore. Bad sign. Isn't St. Patrick's day tomorrow? Did I just kill the soul of a relative trying to check in on me? Should I have stopped?

Feathers flew everywhere, and my instincts told me it was bad. I did kill. I went to the office, went inside and actively tried to erased the horror of what I had done. Energy came in waves but as the office got quieter, I started to feel useless.

I manage to get through my to-do list but I was far from my usual motivated self. After closing up I decided to make sure I didnt dent the hood. I peaked around the front corner of the car and there was my victim, stuck in the grill. It almost looked fake, but I quickly looked away... I had to get home, J will help me.

What way home has the least amount of stops... someone will notice... Lexington or Patton? It didnt matter, what was I doing?!

That was a terrible journey across Asheville. When I got home I found myself pleading to J and his friend to take care of it. They were shocked, inspected the crime scene, laughed a bit...

There are things I need to take care of and then I will be less stressed. I avoided doing what was right because it would have taken me out of my comfort zone. I should have taken care of the bird at the office, I should organize my bills, I should clean my house, and I should get rid of my baggy clothes so I don't look like a bum everyday.

On a positive note, I havent killed anything today.
I also did 100 jump-ropes and some knee to elbows last night. My 'skinny jacket' is getting HUGE on me. This is the jacket I wore in college, before my freshman 10 hit. I was able to fit into it after J accident too, for like a month. Now I should go down a size. To a medium.

Crossfit tomorrow!

Committed

About an hour ago I put tape on the pull-up bar my husband and I installed in the doorway of the kitchen.

Thirty minutes ago I impressed J with my jump rope skills, three sets of 50. Pumped about my determination, my husband made me a homemade jump rope with electrical wire and wooden handles. It was just in the last month that I could barely get through ten without tripping over myself, and there was that darn shame too. I hated being weak so I never exposed myself to situations where it would was obvious to myself and others.

Ive decided that will no longer be a fault of mine.

About five minutes ago I decided to start a journal. An honest look at my training as I move either farther from the unfit stressed overweight burn out to the person I always could be. Elite. In all aspects.

This last week I completed the 6 week OnRamp at Crossfit Asheville. In just 12 workout I improved my 1st Workout of the Day (WOD) time from 21:00 to 7:58.

1st WOD

50 Jump Ropes

15-12-9 Ring Pulls, Push Ups, Squats

50 Jump Ropes

That first day I was prepared only by being dedicated. I knew I was weak, and although I had lost over 30 pounds on my own, I was far from being fit and I wanted a 'jump start' to training for my Chicago Marathon this October 10th.

My running was, and is, still weaker than it should be. Am I worried? less and less thanks to the overall fitness improvements I have seen. But that first day...

My push-ups are still on my knees. As if I am praying for mercy.. but that first workout I couldnt do ten. My arms buckled out unable to push up even though I wanted to show my trainers how in to this I was. "You will never forget this workout" Shanna said as I was trying to power through. I know, I thought, I never want to be like this again.

A few squats in I was losing my balance. The time clicked away but every moment felt frozen. I walked away feeling exposed of my weaknesses... I thought I would cry but that happened a few weeks later. I went to work feeling like I won because at least I finished.

Every day of OnRamp was a challenge. Some days I felt strong, like when I killed it with the wall balls, or when I pounded through 8in box jumps (I know). Only one day did I break. I had basically over stretched the night before after I took a jog and pulled my right butt muscle. Whatever it is called, it was sucking the life out of me. I walked in feeling okay, but half way through our warm ups, in a duck walk, I thought I was going to die. I didnt want to say anything, Im not a quitter.... I dont want to whine...

Then we started with skill work, one legged dead lift, and I finally spoke up. Corey... I think i pulled something. Dont worry, scaled it, what happened? Ok, ok, Im not sure.

The whole workout I wanted to cry, but It wasnt only because of pain. After doing the full WOD I went to the car and bawled. I wanted to be better faster, I wanted instant gratification and reality was tough. Getting stronger meant being uncomfortable.

Two days later my half ass was fine and truth is, while I might have overstretched, I was just learning what extreme soreness felt like.

About year ago this month I was 209 pounds, I am now 170(ish). Actually that is a total guess since my husband took the battery out of the scale. Last time I weight myself I was 175 but a pant size bigger than I am now. I WANT TO KNOW. But he is being sweet, says all that matters is strength and inches and.... he is right.

To help with recovery, and overall health I have addressed my diet and I am now eating only Paleo friendly foods. The last few weeks I have cheated here and there and I can tell you I never feel good when I do. I am starting a strict 60 day challenge today. No more weekend drinking, no more fries at the bar... I have gone strict before and its not a big deal. Just eat real food. Ill post more about Paleo later.

I start regular classes this Wed at 8 and I am nervous. Not so much about being exposed but wondering if the other 'kids' will like me. Im working on not doing that to myself anymore, what an unnecessary torture!