One of those days

One of those days, yeah. With such extreme highs and lows, that my quest for a full life felt less like a goal and more like a hellish, yet somewhat rewarding, obstacle course to... home and bed. I felt every range of emotion today.

One of those days that I knew I had to write it all down. So much so I told myself 'break that stupid rule of one word blog titles and knock it out'. I have about 15 drafts of blogs. A few sentences, and then the thought, do I really have anything to say? ever?

Social norms dictate my words. My position at work requires me to. if I don't, I could be sued or my license taken from me. And I speak for others. Sometimes for an agent, or a client, or a coworker.. sometimes for myself. The good wife. The good employee. The good daughter. The stress of it all was as if someone was having me doing lifts and runs all day. I couldnt breath.

Today, my office, and my life, gave me an emotional WOD. It is riddled with success, but I still feel tight and my skin is hot. As if I jumped right out of a plane. My choices are to fight or run run run....

A scream, so loud, resides inside of me and for no reason then to release. But what do I have to say?

Today at 7am I went to take on whatever my coaches had cooked up. I didnt feel defeated, or even that off.. I was in the fight. PR on my front squats but I had to stop maxing after 10lbs over. This is good.

But then the workout. 4 rounds of 200m run (cool! I thought) and 10 Thrusters (38lbs)

On the second run I got a side stitch and felt dizzy. I panicked. After a few thrusters, I lost count and I looked at Shanna and said something like 'I made a mistake, I put too much weight on'. Not sure if she was shocked but she looked it at first, but hell.. I was. I never had backed down mid workout. As the words left my mouth, everything changed. Shanna said to do a few more to see how I did. I finished up and ran out the door. Ran. Stopped for a slow turn around, and side stitch. DAMN IT! I havent drunken enough water and I left my water bottle somewhere...

Coach was waiting for me. I moved as fast as I could, a defeated run.. a jog to the bar. Shanna said 'Do 4 and then two sets of 3'. Then I zoned. I corrected when I heard Corey and Shanna directed me but I was gone. gone and going. every other sound was a blur, although I knew the voices and what they were saying.

My brain just focused so intently that when I heard 'you can do five' I just kept going... I had no thoughts whatsoever except directing my body to do what it had to do. I can never do that. Be so intense on one thing.

Then the last two I really dug down into my quiet mind. And they were good. I finished strong.

after a short breath and donated water, it was time for max burpees in 2 minutes in celebration for a fellow crossfitter's birthday... and I wanted to give it my all. The slowest most painful attempt at burpees ever. Didnt count, couldnt think, one at a time and done. damn.

Then work. "Upset persona on your voicemail, heather."

Did my friend pass his state exam, is one of my agents dead?

"should money be sent there or there, how are we going to get paid, my phone doesnt work, my email doesnt work, why is this like this, what is this called, Im going to do it my way because, I dont care, I need you" check, check, check, agent is alive and my buddy passed his exam! yay!

Then conversations with family about ongoing health issues. Another world was happening that I had to put aside during work.

But what do I have to SAY?

Every heartbreak, thought, conversation, smile, and failure is a gift. My heart might beat loud, but GOD it is beating and my blood is flowing. What could mean more than owning your existence? I have made that decision, so this I ask the world: teach me. Make me stronger, wiser, and even wittier.

If I can control my words, maybe I can learn to control my doubts.

Sounds like a good time to go to Europe.

Adventure!

Oy! I can't complain. (you'll see why further down this read)

I sort of want to.. but what an awful, useless exercise so I am going to try to limit myself to just one itsy-bitsy paragraph. GO!

Ive been tired and missed several workouts, hiding my alarm clock under a pillow, wanting to stay in my dreams. I have been LETTING myself get all excited at night. That ended last night, but I still slept in. My body is forgiving me after several early morning crash outs. Ill write this all out and go to bed.

Finding my groove.
So, what is with all this excitement!? New job, new adventures planned, new body and face, new friends, everything is brand spanking new. Every day is an overload of 'to dos' and 'to plans' and 'to buys' Nothing feels constant, just yet! A full life. Yep. Remember that. Thats what I wanted.

But exposing yourself is not for the weak...awkward conversations haunt me. Stumbles and missteps too.

When I told my doctor awhile back I was feeling a bit stressed, he told me 'Dont forget you made that choice: that job, that life'. Ugh, it rings and rings in my head doc. Trying to make that advice work for me.

What I know is that I want to choose the path less travelled by. I want adventure and discovery, and the discomfort it comes with, to bring the best out of me. So I am just going to figure this shit out. Get it taken care of. But that person. Walk it off.

Life has changed. My diet has given me health, freedom from pain and sickness. Crossfit has given me confidence that there isnt some self prescribed limit to what I am capable of in any aspect of my life. The practice of discipline has been all encompassing, and if something doesnt serve me, it is time to let it go. Somehow all of this has led me to being rewarded. Like big.

I am going to Spain August 31st.

did I have funds to fly to Europe? Hell no. Did I give up hope... pretty much. And then all the work, stress, hours given to my career paid off and I was given the best gift of them all: a real adventure. 13 days in Espana. Going to beautiful thoughtful inspiring Laura get married. And I am going solo.

Spending my time practicing Spanish and staring at a tight budget on the kitchen table, making it work on $50/day. Which should be plenty. Oh but to swim a foreign sea, to eat tapas, to drink vino, to discover Toledo.. and ride in a train across the country...

Planning for this is keeping my blood running hot. I am so excited. and scared. and pumped. and humble. I am lucky that when I first get there, I will be thrown into a downright celebration of marriage and love. Up in San Sebastian... yes, delicious beautiful rolling hills, salty air Basque Country. But then... ohh, maybe Barcelona and then back to Madrid. Toledo. Segovia.

Still working on that. But yes, it will be me, my backpack, my camera and this little netbook. A first aid kit (outfitted by Justin of course) and some books.

Donated clothes from Eva and Ericka. We should have a Crossfit Clothes Exchange!

My family is thrilled. Ive been talking about this wedding for over a year, and I have been wanting to 'put myself out there' and see the world. I am reading alot about travelling solo, and only fear getting lonely. Apparently I should be fine. Since I talk to everyone.

This is the stuff I fret over.

So I DONT KNOW MY WEIGHT! Thanks coach ;) I was told to only get on it once a month, on the 1st, and if I miss that date, oh well. Just a few days away!Im smaller though. I can tell.

I am running about 90% Paleo right now because I had a half of beer and pizza (after my 'break' at work) this week. Neither was worth it. I didnt die, like I thought I would. But, ehhh. I rather have some fruit and some steak. and grilled veggies. Had a lovely Paleo dinner at the Whitehurst's. We are starting to find eachother, us modern caveman, and it is nice to trade information and tips, and feast. I feel lucky to have Anita as part of my support team. Two year old Ruby Jo said grace. I didnt mention how much I loved that moment. and being blown kisses.

But goodnight, it is late. I am going to workout tomorrow.

Oh, I almost forgot. Going 30 days without drinking in August to help with focus and training! Then off on a plane, over a whole ocean....

Holiday

Mini-Heather (a before shot)

Today has been fun for me. The office was closed to celebrate the day after the 4th of July and the only 'must' I had to do was head into Crossfit Asheville for 'Fight Gone Bad'. A workout of box jumps, sumo deadlift high pulls, rowing, wall balls, and push presses. Justin came too, and it was the first time he has seen me workout, or as he says 'really workout' since he has seen me in a regular ol gym before, going nowhere on an treadmill.
For you guys that know my husband, you know him as the polite, sweet, supportive man that will gladly leave the table at a dinner party to fix a broken car door or to help man the kitchen because everyone else is sloshed. And a lucky few know him as the wise, humble man who has a lifetime of tragedies and victories in a few short years. To me, he is my life witness. He has watched me grow from a teenager without a clue, to a lazy military wife, a 3 job holding caretaker, to a stressed unhealthy real estate agent, to now... it was nice to see him cheering me on today. My ultimate witness.
So here is my cheers to him. Just a little one because he doesnt like alot of hooplah. Thanks for cooking Paleo for me without complaint, listening to me ramble on about weightlifting, telling me i look amazing when I stand in front of the mirror wondering why my belly is really the last to go, and for calming me down when the day has killed my spirit. You will make a great father (one day, mom!) as well as be a champ in the delivery room, and for the 9 months before. You are the most helpful person I know, which is what has bonded us from the beginning. You are a hero to my family and me. Thanks for looking up medical questions in the middle of the night, thanks for driving, thanks for feeding us, thanks for making us sane. And for changing my oil in the heat while I type this away in front of a fan. I adore you.
So that was on my mind. Which is nice.

I have been very fortunate lately with my work, earned a promotion, and with that I am researching methods to properly handle the stress which is inevitable with the position. Coach Corey has been mentioning different breathing techniques he is going to review with us, and I have been religious about my exercise, diet and sleep patterns. So it will only get better with practice. Exhale.
But I suppose stress always comes with change of position. I just want to be damn good at my job.
In Paleo lifestyle news, my face is finally clearing up. After suffering from acne since being a pre-teen and trying every system, lotions, natural or not. The solution? Nothing but water.
A month or so ago I came across an article on http://www.marksdailyapple.com/ about acne. Here is the link for you. At this point, when I came across the read, I was damn frustrated with my skin. The Paleo diet was suppose to clear my face.. but I still had teenage like breakouts. My skin glowed, and my eyes were clear, but those spots... a friend even bought me proactive several months back, which would work for about a month then it relapsed. So I thought, what the hell do I have to lose??
I stopped using any products to clean my face. I use mineral power to hide what is holding on but my skin is about 90% better than a month ago. I just bought fish oil and b12 to tweak my nutrients, and I feel hopeful for the first time about my skin. My pale, creamy skin that shows my life from birth to death... it hides nothing, all my decisions, what I eat, when I get bites, when I fall, when I gain and lose weight.
So, the plan? To continue! Although it is weird to wash everything in the shower but my face... Should I stop washing my hair too?! People have, and swear by it. But as Justin says, you cant be a dirty hippie and a Broker In Charge (apparently it takes a month for your hair's natural oils to regulate themselves).
I agree. I have stop using conditioner and my hair is soft and full of life. Alot of personal information here people!
Well, this was a pretty 'chick' blog post... next post: music! My ideal mix tape for crossfit and how I must make it for my coaches, as a thank you.

Keep keeping on, people.

Intensity

Im late to update the Internets of my successes on my 90 day challenge. ITS OVER! SUCCESS!! NO PROBLEM!! The only failure was not being sure to journal everything happening to my body and in my life.

Awhile back I made the decision this was 'it' and this lifestyle was forever for me, so to celebrate 90 days....meh...

I feel like a kid. Full of energy and play. I am confident. I eat well, sleep well, and make coworkers jump on furniture to practice box jumps. This is life, and I am just gitty over feeling free of limitations.

For awhile, I was put off about talking about my weight loss which perhaps kept me from writing this all down. The celebration of it all seemed abit self indulgent and the truth is, the habits I developed as part of my new lifestyle were so easy, I feel dumb I didnt do this all years ago. That feeling comes and goes.

Today, however, I did do a little dance. I've had alot of PRs *the only way is up* and those successes seem to matter more than me than weight loss or dress sizes down. I'm slowing a bit in those categories but my muscles are awesome. Not bulky, just them doing their thing. Looking all cool.

But I am fitting into a size 8 and this is way way down. I started at size 14/16 when I started crossfit in Feb. I am down close to 30 pounds. That has completely stalled though, I think. Its been awhile since I have been on one. I hear this is normal, and now I just dont care.

My medium shorts are all I need to know I am headed in the right direction.

My victories seem small in the big world of athletes, but at least I am competing to improve. I love it and I can see myself doing power ups, 6 minute miles and hand stands. But this is what i can do now, that I never ever could before

*a real push-up

*a sub 2:00 400m

*buy a dress anywhere in the mall

*deadlift my dog

*walk from Lexington to Haywood on that hill from death and not be out of breath

*rock climb

*SQUAT!

*that crazy yoga shoulder stretch where you grab your arms around your back- ON BOTH SIDES. this was huge for me.

*hold myself up on rings (moving on up with my dips)

*make it through a 14 hour work day without fatigue (the stress part I am still working on)

*Be discipline by only eating real food. yum.
*make it through Spring without allergies

*catch my runaway criminal dog (cant stop him from chasing rabbits) half way down the street instead of him outrunning me like I am a fat cop

Functional fitness. That is what crossfit is in two words. What Crossfit Asheville is so much more than that. There is really a sense a pride between all of us different CFA members. Now, when I am out and about, there is nothing better than running into someone from class. I believe the intern at work is sick of hearing about my power cleans, and I really shouldnt burpee at parties. But this dad of a three year old, or this former athlete shares in the same experience as me. There is a bond in the intensity of the workouts.

We have world class coaches. I wish, I wish we could clone them (without the whole weird factor) and put them in every public school in the country. My life would have been different. They are inspiring. Hell, sometimes I want to stop by to see if they arent busy so I could pick their brains some more. They are clear in their directions of new scary workouts and push you forward when you need it. They also pull you back when you have lost you're freaking mind. I haven't gotten injured, and it is because of their expertise in body form and function. They scale to injuries and limitations and everyone sees progress. This is my testimonial: I have ran on treadmills, ate low fat and counted points but nothing ever took the way Crossfit Asheville has. The support of the community they have created, along with their knowledgeable guidance in overall fitness is the perfect formula for real long term success. Whatever goal you have. I can't recommend them enough.

Its nice that I spend only three hours a week in the gym. For now. I might go up soon. My goals are changing and getting more outrageous.

I might even keep up my blog.

Quickie

I am recovering from a wicked head cold. loving on babies and lots of stress apparently will knock me down.

Nothing but success with my diet/lifestyle and Im totally thrilled I made it to day 51, I will make it to 90, and beyond.

Just fit into a new pant size, and the scale is currently being really damn friendly to me

I see my doctor this week, and I cant wait to see his reaction to how I look! Im about 17 pounds down since Ive seen him in February.

LEAF is this weekend, which means trying new activities. Zip-lining and Contra dancing. Who will dance with me? I hope some patient soul with spin me and make me look good.

Next post will be on why Crossfit works for me and therefor anyone. I could push press my dog.

Flight

I understand everyone goes through stress. As I ramble on in my next post, know that in many ways I am very lucky and there are far worse situations I can be in. I have my health, I have a purpose in my career, I have a husband that comforts me when I feel defeated and quickly reminds me to 'walk it off'. He says that because my that's my dad's saying, and he reminds me to be proud of who Ive become. It was how I was raised. Brush yourself off and take care of what you need to do. Be bigger than a defeat.

First time I remembered hearing my dad say it, I had fallen off my bike when he was teaching me to ride without training wheels. It was not cold hearted in the least, he knew I was alright but he also knew without a coach i would just go home, and pout. In that moment, I never wanted to see a bike again. Just hearing 'walk it off' made me try again that afternoon. On the basketball court at school. Where I ran right into the pole. Walk it off.

Needless to say, I learned to ride the bike pretty fast after that. I had a job as a papergirl for a year with my new found skills, must have been around 9. Working for what I had was a daily lesson, and my dad, I am sure, was damn proud of me when I landed the gig. I did get let go in a massive layoff. 5 kids were replaced with a delivery truck. We were told in a letter on the stack of newspapers, our last run. But I walked it off.

I am a fighter still but its just now, at age 29, that I understand it's more than just getting over tough situations, its a tool for survival. No self defined victim is ever happy or healthy. No victim ever survives when there is just a small chance to do so. That lesson came as an adult, when I watch others struggle to live or to recover.

I have been tested in the last few weeks.

When I train at Crossfit, its so much more than just getting physically stronger. My coaches naturally tap into my need to be told to walk it off, and I am mental powerhouse because of it. I get it done.

I haven't always been so determined. My terrible habit of fleeing from discomfort put my life on pause for years. I would avoid, procrastinate and sabotage my body, my checkbook and my spirit. In my last few weeks of clarity and milestones, this is the lesson I take with me: never again.

I am over half way into my 90 day no drinking, no carbs, no sugar, no dairy challenge. Even with work, family and life stress, I have refused to fall and eat crap. I am the best of myself. That is the most unexpected side effect so far, besides the fact I HAVE HAD NO ALLERGIES THIS YEAR! God, I can't get over that.

My weight loss stalled for about two weeks, and just when I was really starting to question myself and I was going to write my coach for advice, I started losing again. Down two more pounds and an unknown amount of inches! I wore the famous 'had it since college, only can wear when Im skinny' jacket again today. Its way too big now. My new curves are loss behind a once super snug, in the back on the closet, 'one day' article of clothing.

Another small thing that has helped me through daily challenges, is of course my mini-victories at Crossfit. I get tons of encouragement. Lots of 'walk it off' types of sayings.

One at a time.

Get back up.

Pull hard.

UP UP UP.

But I got an extra cool one yesterday. When sprinting, putting probably too much effort into the first round, one of my coaches SCREAMED as I was coming down hill 'LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE FLYING!' That has carried with me since. I fly.

Wonder what I will do tomorrow morning with my 8am crew?

continue to surprise myself.

Strength

"If I can make it through that painful workout, I sure as hell can survive daily challenges"... I mentioned to my friend Eva, a fellow Crossfit, last Wednesday. Within the hour, I had a totally mental breakdown. Energized with the feeling I could accomplish anything, I tackled a situation I was really uncomfortable with, and it totally completely backfired. Then I felt powerless to help. And then I just felt useless.

Took me a good day to bring some of my energy back from the depths of self-pity land. I wasnt sleeping very well because of stress so I never really recovered from my workouts. I walked like how I felt, like someone beat the crap out of me.

Good news?

It all goes on and on. Life cycles, moods change, you get over it. I worked out hard this week, rode my bike, and stayed on course. I did not want my reaction to stress to be unhealthy one, but one that would prove I am getting strong in all aspects of my life. That my discipline is solid. That all this turning down chocolate truffles and whiskey has a purpose. That life is bigger than just one day, and I want to have a good old time on this planet.

That means training to be strong and eating to be healthy. working for success and playing like a child. That means letting go when necessary, but only after you put up the fight of your life.

I have been turning down going out with friends because I am so tempted to have some wine, as if it will chill my worries frozen. But I am determined to finish what I start (a rare feat for me). I am currently on day 43 out of 90. Almost half way done! Booyah!

Good news, again? oh yes, because all things come in threes.

I will be go to the Lake Eden Arts Festival in two weeks! This time without the sweet hubby since he will be graduating a week later and freaking over his finals anyway. My solid friend for all of my 20s is going to be my camping buddy! Maybe Ill zipline! I want to learn to contra dance. I will not consume massive amounts of tequila, like last time, but I will be up early enough for yoga for once.

Good news # 3?

In the midst of my stressing out, I made an appointment for a haircut. I usually let my hair go for months and months. Im feeling anew because I got a sexy, sort of extreme bob cut. I didnt say much of what was going on, but sharing stories with my hairdresser was the best therapy I have received in years. We talked religion, we talked marriage, we talked family, we talked money, we talked work. Surface enough to be funny as hell, deep enough that it mattered.

Strength. God, give it to me. This week will be better than decent! I go into Crossfit now Mon, Wed, and Fri! Im beyond excited a spot opened up. I am setting personal records every time I go in, or at least the satisfaction of doing some that only few would dare to try.

I will do a damn pullup one day! I will do a decent handstand.

I will chill out.